"Everything was amazing. Except the one thing that matters at a hotel. The bed.
I checked into the hotel and laid down on the bed.
Pretty sure I didn’t lay on the bed… I just leaned against the floor with blankets.
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This hotel bed is so hard, I think it’s actually part of the building’s load-bearing structure.
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I tried fluffing the pillow.
Turns out it was just a second mattress.
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I rolled over in my sleep and got a concussion from the mattress.
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The hotel bed is so firm the front desk asked if I’d like
“extra pillows or a jackhammer.”
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I woke up this morning and my back filed a formal complaint with management.
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This mattress has two settings:
Concrete and Historic Stone Monument.
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I asked the front desk if the mattress was memory foam.
They said, “No, but it remembers the Great Depression.”
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The bed is so hard when I tossed and turned it sounded like
someone shaking a toolbox.
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I tried jumping on the bed like a kid…
and the bed won.
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The mattress is so firm if you drop a coin on it,
it lands heads up and files for mineral rights.
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I slept on this bed and woke up four inches taller.
Pretty sure it straightened my entire spine by force.
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The hotel advertised “orthopedic support.”
Turns out it’s just a slab of granite wrapped in a sheet.
So yeah. Wont be staying here again..
"